An open letter to yo’ motha’

Please note that all blog posts before 8 April 2007 were automatically imported from LiveJournal.  To see the comments and any LiveJournal-specific extras such as polls and user icons, please find the source posting at

Dear Spammers: I have no desire to increase the length or circumference of my penis, nor do I want to increase the volume or projectile distance of my semen. Thank you.

Dear Musicians (including you, Peter Murphy): putting your modern, digitally recorded, multi-track music through a filter that introduces the hiss and pop of a bad needle playing an old record is lame. Please stop. Nobody likes it.

Dear The City Of Portland: when you create what is commonly known as, in the rest of the civilized world, a “protected left turn lane,” make sure people realize the fact. Do not simply put a normal red/yellow/green lamp, without the arrow cutouts, next to a “left turn only” sign and expect people to magically understand.

Dear writers of Alias: please do not rip off Kurt Vonnegut. Thank you.

Dear writer of The Village: your movie stinks and you are a twit. Go home and stop making movies with sensationalist “twists.” It is full of characters we wonder why we care about, slow plot, and recycled Twilight Zone endings.

Dear Palm: if you actually want to retain long-term customers that care, do not raise the price of your years-awaited, new phones by 15% two days after their premiere release without warning and with the only explanation being that it was “an error in pricing.” We all know that it was either Cingular being greedy or you. Either way, your customers now trust you less. Screw you.

Dear Apple: you rock. I got my second photo book today and it is great, high quality, and fun.

Dear Interwebernet: u r dum

Dear kitties: thanks for being warm and snuggly.

Posted in: Dear Diary Movies Music Portland Television

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