Zombie Baby Jesus

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Two nights ago was the East:Meets:West show, where Kim gave her first performance in a long time. This is the goth/bellydance show that was started by a couple of girls from San Francisco that either attended or ran a similar event down there. This time, it was at an artist space a few doors down from Devil’s Point, which turned out to be an excellent location. It was a benefit for New Orleans, as well as Sophie, who had moved back there in the past year and now finds herself back up here. The whole thing started very mellow, with a great ceremony and procession. Sophie headed a ritual outside with a lot of candles, incense, a plate full of offerings for the dead, drums, and chanting. Everyone eventually marched inside and the show kicked off with Kim’s great set. She was totally in the zone and doing some great moves to Einsturzende Neubauten, Ministry, and Sneaker Pimps. (The Skinny Puppy song was cut from the set because the ceiling fans would have interfered with the veil dances, unfortunately.) There were a number of other performances, including based around the legends of Oracle at Delphi.

Last night included a couple of parties. The one at Rebecca’s Boyfriend’s house had a pair of 11-year-olds that hijacked the stereo. Before they would play the “boring adult music” (Juno Reactor’s Masters of the Universe, which Rebecca performed to at the previous East:Meets:West), they first had to dance to some Gorillaz(?) song. They also had a CD of various “classic” Halloween music, but they were all cover versions–as if the CD producer was not able to secure the rights to the original Monster Mash, Thriller, Time Warp, and the like. They had to replay Thriller two or three times to get the choreography right (according to what was remembered from the video.) The other party was at Sara’s house, which is just down on 34th. There were about 40 people packed into this narrow San Francisco-style house. The house was so small that there was not enough room for a full stairway, there was a more compact (and in my opinion, much cooler) tight spiral staircase going upstairs. I think I knew exactly two people there: Sarah and Eric, but that was okay; everyone was friendly and energetic. A number of people keep asking if we were from OCOM, but I never did find out what that is until this morning. I stopped by Limbo to look for pie pumpkins and ran into a girl there from the party. Oregon College of Oriental Medicine. Mystery solved.

How Stuff Works has a great article on zombies that traces the origin of the myths back to potions containing fugu fish on Haiti and discusses Romero and Romero-inspired films. It also includes some helpful tips to help you survive a zombie attack:

  1. Don’t panic.
  2. Get away from the zombies. Most of the time, you can move faster than they can.
  3. Gather food, water, an emergency radio, flashlights and weapons, and retreat to a secure location.
  4. If possible, retreat to a shopping mall, general retail store or other location where you’ll have easy access to food and supplies.
  5. Stay away from heavily populated areas, where the infestation is likely to be heaviest.
  6. Barricade all entrances and stay put at all costs.
  7. Don’t get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space.
  8. Remember that anyone bitten or killed by a zombie will become a threat to you and your party.
  9. Wait patiently for rescue and make long-term preparations for your survival.

It also mentions common mistakes to avoid:

  • Sheltering in a vehicle to which you do not have the keys
  • Leaving blades, cudgels or other basic weapons out for zombies to find
  • Teaching zombies how to use firearms
  • Giving your only weapon to anyone who is hysterical
  • Retreating to a basement or cellar without taking supplies with you
  • Getting into an elevator in a building infested with zombies
  • Letting personal feelings and arguments get in the way of survival

Something I learned a few months ago from The Dawn and Drew Show is that Jesus, despite having returned from the dead, is not a zombie. You can differentiate Jesus from zombies because zombies are dumb and barely self-aware, while Jesus is completely self aware and can do math. If it is undead and cannot do math, it is a zombie. If it is undead and can do math, there is a chance that it may be Jesus (or it may be some other intelligent undead creature like a vampire.)

Posted in: Dear Diary Portland

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