Oh, man. If only we had this in Portland…
Hit the Beer
1. Roqueting another player’s beer or respective drink results in two extra turns. Nothing is obtained for hitting your own drink – other than a berating from the other players for wasting precious resources i.e., beer or brain cells.
Dogs and Children
2. THE DOG/SMALL-CHILD RULE APPLIES TO SAID CREATURES WANDERING THROUGH AN ACTIVE GAME AND MOVING A PLAYERS BALL FROM ITS ORIGINAL POSITION TO A DIFFERENT LOCATION. THE RULE IS THIS: PLAY IT WHERE IT LIES! THE TRAINING OF DOGS/SMALL CHILDREN FOR THIS PURPOSE IS LEGAL BUT FROWNED UPON.
3. The goal of the game is to be the first player to make it around the course and through all nine wickets. If there are 9 or more players per game, the field will be randomly split in half and two games will be simultaneously played on the same course but starting at opposite ends. While the two games are scored independently, players may play off of (and croquet) any ball on the course.
No Show Tunes, Poison
4. THERE SHALL BE NO SINGING OF (OR IN THE STYLE OF) SHOW TUNES ON THE COURSE. OFFENDING PLAYER WILL BE VERBALLY BERATED AND THREATENED WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
5. Coin toss determines whether BLUE or BLACK starts the game. Heads always equals BLUE, and tails always equals BLACK. The first player through the second wicket decides the direction of the game. Each player begins the game with his/her ball one mallet head’s length or less from the start/end post. Each wicket, correctly gone through, is worth 1 point. The winner gets a maximum of 14 points.
6. NO PLAYER SHALL PURPOSELY DELAY HIS OR HER TURN AND THEREFORE DELAY THE GAME BY USING AN EXAGGERATEDLY SLOW SAUNTER TO GET FROM BASE CAMP TO HIS OR HER BALL. OFFENDING PLAYER WILL BE TACKLED IN ROUTE AND BEATEN WITH MALLETS.
Blah Blah Blah
7. Each wicket, correctly gone through, allows a player to take one extra turn. Upon hitting the halfway post (by wickets 6 and 7), the player must continue play where ball lies. If a ball hits another ball (roquet), the player who roqueted can croquet the other player’s ball and then take two turns. A player can play off as many balls per turn as desired, each time receiving two turns. HOWEVER, a player can only play off of the same opponent’s ball once per turn. Wickets and the halfway post cancel all accumulated turns other than the one allowed for successfully completing the turn (e.g. if a player has gone through a wicket and hits an opponents ball the player has 3 turns accumulated. However, if that player then travels through another wicket, the player now has only 1 extra turn).
8. CROQUETS ARE FREE I.E., IF YOUR TURN BEGINS WITH YOUR BALL TOUCHING ANOTHE BALL, YOU MAY CROQUET THE BALL AND THEN BEGIN YOUR TURN. HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY CROQUET AN OPPONENT AND GIVING UP THIS OPPORTUNITY OUT OF MERCY OR KINDNESS IS CONSIDERED WEAK AND FROWNED UPON.
9. No moving anything on course once game begins. No uprooting nature during game. There is no ‘out of bounds’.
10. ONCE THE PLAYER IN FIRST PLACE HAS PASSED THROUGH THE 13TH WICKET BUT HAS NOT FINISHED THE GAME, THE PLAYER IN LAST PLACE CAN DECLARE A NUCLEAR STRIKE. AT THIS POINT THE LAST PLACE PLAYER TRIES TO HIT THE FIRST PLACE PLAYER BEFORE HE OR SHE CAN FINISH THE GAME BY GOING THROUGH THE 14TH WICKET AND HITTING THE END STAKE. IF THE LAST PLACE PLAYER SUCCEEDS IN THE STRIKE, LAST AND FIRST PLACE SWITCH SCORES AND THE GAME IS OVER. NOTE: THE PLAYER WHO DECLARES A NUCLEAR STRIKE IS NOT A ‘HOT POTATO’ AND MUST HIT THE FIRST PLACE PLAYER ON A TURN. IF TWO OR MORE PLAYERS ARE TIED FOR LAST PLACE (AT THE SAME WICKET) BOTH PLAYERS CAN DECLARE ‘NUCLEAR’.