Hey, are you in a band?

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Ahhhh… ya' gotta' love stereotyping. Mine was not nearly as bad or inexcusable as what happened to Les, only similar in the fact that it took place in an Apple store.

The new iLife software came out today. I am very interested in the performance updates to iPhoto as well as the extra features in iMovie and iDVD, so thought I would go check it out. Now, let us rewind a bit so that I can state that today is laundry day. Well, technically last night was laundry night, but after putting the dryer on its first cycle and going to sleep, it seems my clothes were not dry enough this morning to wear. I ended up putting on some horribly ripped khaki pants and a computer security convention t-shirt that looks like the cover of a KMFDM album. Top that out with my new, gigantic, super-stompy boots that I am still trying to break in. Oh, and the long hair that is black except for those 3-4 inches of roots. Let me also preface this with a statement: I have absolutely zero interest in Garage Band, the new piece of iLife that lets you make repetitive electronic music and other such noise.

So, I take an early lunch (because I will be on a conference call at normal business lunch time) and head down to the Apple store, the one in the rich, trendy, South-Coast-Plaza-like mall, to see about the new iLife and check if they had printer cartridges. I get my foot in the door and: “oh, you're looking for Garage Band, right?” Obviously, I am scruffy, not at work during normal working hours, and look like a stereotypical musician. I wonder how many musicians in The London Philharmonic have big boots and leather jackets? “Well, I am interested in iLife, yes. I really do not have any interest in the Garage Band portion. Mainly, I want the updated iPhoto and iDVD” I was unable to come up with a polite way of saying, “listen, bitch, I took piano lessons for eight years, hated it, and that was over ten years ago. I have not touched a musical instrument since, unless you count kazoos.”

I think my side of the conversation fell on deaf ears. I got the whole spiel, but one directed at Garage Band. I do not know if the company gives their employees a single pre-canned script to memorize or different ones slanted toward different types of people, or if she was making it up as she went along. Anyway, it marginalized the non-Garage-Band apps. “It has all this cool new stuff, and these apps are new and the response times have improved, oh, and Garage Band this and Garage Band that. Oh, and Garage Band this other thing, and GarageBandGarageBandGarageBand.” (That was all paraphrased.)

Finally, I am able to get a word in edgewise and mention that I saw all of this on the website and during the live stream of Steve Job's recent keynote speech. I would really just like to buy it.

To cap it all off, during checkout she mentioned, “remember Garage Band needs a DVD drive to run.” There seems to be no polite way to convey: “No shit, Sherlock. Remember when you ignored me saying I wanted the update iDVD? That kind of implies that I have not only a DVD-ROM, but a DVD burner.”

I will close this post with the following statement: People of Earth, I am not a musician, nor do I play one on TV. Thank you.

Posted in: Dear Diary

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