DVD “Fun”

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Well, I plowed through the first hundred or two pages of “DVD Studio Pro For Mac OS X: Visual Quickpro Guide.” The magic world of DVD authoring has taught me all sorts of new stuff, including conflicting new definitions for terms I already know and love as well as fun new terms that build on previous ones. Examples!
Compile == Prepare your DVD into a directory on your hard drive (okay, not a redefinition at all, but bear with me)
Format == Burn your compiled image to disc (as opposed to resetting, wiping, or otherwise blanking media)
Format == Erase a DVD-RW (as opposed to burning a compiled image to disc)
Burn == Compile+Format, but a DVD-RW with data on it already needs to be formatted first
Program == Track
Track == Video Program
GOP == Groups of Pictures. Republicans have nothing to do with video editing.
VOBU == Video Object Units, or multiple GOPs.
Cells == Collection of VOBUs. You can't touch cells. They're off-limits. Why? Because.
4.7 == 4.37
30 == 29.97 usually…unless it really does mean 30
720×480 == 720×534

All this newspeak sometimes makes me doubleplusconfused.

Everything has an upper limit of 99. You can't have more than 99 of anything, no mater how much you try or how many people you attempt to bribe. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass 99. Do not collect $200.

Files are no longer measured in megabytes. Everything is gigabytes or multiples thereof.

Modern televisions suck hairy, hemorrhoidic goat-ass when it comes to resolution in the spec v. resolution in reality, as well as reproduction of color. Consequently, you never know where the edges of the screen are. You are also certain there is no such thing as true-white and true-black.

Photoshop has a fun new mode that emulates rectangular pixels (like on your TV). Circles are sometimes ovals and vice-versa. Don't get stuck in this mode. It is like having your calculator stuck in radians instead of degrees during an important Algebra II final.

I also learned the etymology of the term “serif,” which goes back to seraphim, the angels with three sets of wings that would spontaneously combust from their passion toward God. Anyone want s'mores?

I should be using “Advanced Mode” or “Advanced Mode (Cinematography)” instead of the boneheaded “Basic Mode for the ankle-biters used to iDVD's training wheels and want to continue their pitiful lives as ignoramuses and dumbfucks” (paraphrasing).

Slideshows are boring…even with music.

Copy protection schemes suck almost as much as modern TVs. I fart in the general direction of copy protection.

Professional DVD duplication is expensive. The requisite DLT tape drives and Mac-SCSI adapters are expensive.

Video encoding is black magic. You have to balance compression against file size. The more you compress video, the more you can fit on a DVD or down a modem, and the crappier the quality gets. There is no formula. There is no guideline. You have to experiment: set some settings, watch a percentage bar slowly travel to 100 over the course of a few hours, and see what you get. If it the quality sucks or the size sucks, you shake your voodoo chicken bones at the computer, adjust a few sliders, and try again. Maybe you will end up with something better. Probably not.

I am going to make DVD scripting my bitch.

Posted in: Dear Diary

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