“A method or apparatus to enhance the probability of not getting a ticket”

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Not only is it illegal in Portland to pump your own gas (nobody here can really explain why in any way that jives with reality other than “it became like that a long time ago and nobody really cares enough to push through legislation to change it.” See link 1, link 2, and link 3), it is also illegal to make a U-Turn unless a sign in the intersection explicitly grants you the privilege.

Fortunately, I was able to use my patent-pending wide-eyed Frightened-And-Concerned-Monkey facial expression [1] to get out of the $350 ticket. Pamphlets are available at the DMV and the full vehicle code is available in thick books at the library. Thank you Mister Officer. There is a little DMV annex down the road. I think I will pick up a booklet.

[1] Patent Claim: a method or apparatus for showing fear and concern in the face, by means of opening the eyes extremely wide, raising the eyebrows, and scrunching up the forehead and eyebrow ends closest to the nose just slightly. Also, there is this thing with a frown-type-thing with the mouth that defies explanation in words and will therefore not be patented, but instead be kept as a trade secret.

Posted in: Dear Diary Portland

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