“I Got Algorithm”

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PEOPLE OF EARTH, take heed! For today is the day that I have been blessed with the most holy of all artifacts: the Fart Whistle. It was this morning, in the cheap party-toy-aisle of Toys-R-Us, that this precious item caught my eye. It was glowing, almost as if lit by a beam from heaven. This divine calling, coupled with the under-a-dollar sticker price caused an involuntary muscle reaction–much like Saint Vitus’ dance. I found I could not stop my arm from extending to grasp this artifact.

Yes, my friends, I am the proud owner of a Fart Whistle. The packaging even SAYS “Fart Whistle.” Back when I was a kid, if my parents had seen me looking at THAT in Toys-R-Us, they would have made me wash my eyes out with soap and then complained to the manager. Basically, the whistle is a Whoopie Cushion without the cushion. Well, without the whoopie either because that is a polite archaic term for “fucking” used in such places as The Newlywed Game and The Dating Game and such. Anyway, this is the noise making portion of a whoopie cushion, without the balloon portion. has made it very clear that it annoys the crap out of her. Fortunately she is not home now, so I can make all the farty noises I want in the privacy of my home.

The bookstore did not have The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen, but they did have the next few books in The Callahan series (by Spider Robinson). They also had a weird hardcover edition of The Minority Report. This is that lame looking Sci-Fi movie coming out soon, but I had not before realized that is is based on a Philip K. Dick short story (one of my favorite authors)! Anyway, this hardcover is rather short–about a hundred pages–so it is thin. It is about as wide as a paperback and about a paperback-and-a-half tall. Now the really weird thing is that it is hinged at the TOP, along the short side. Basically, you open it and read through it as if it were a police officer’s notepad–but it is hardcover. Weird stuff indeed.

Next week the fabulous people at Netflix will be delivering the fine film “Private Eyes” with Tim Conway and Don Knotts. Dude! Who needs more from a movie than friggin’ DORF and MISTER FURLEY?! Tim Conway wrote it and Barney Fife stars in it as a police inspector from Scotland Yard! Who could ask for anything more?!

Overheard in QA the other day: “You should try to stay a monkey because once you’ve become an ape, there’s no turning back.”

Posted in: Books Dear Diary

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