“Still dark outside the window/F’ing alarm clock, start the day in fear”

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Random, busy, f’ed up day at work… I really do not know what to think. I feel very insecure there. I feel my boss hates me. I feel that I am not pulling enough weight. Even though I have been programming since I was 9 (I’m 27 now, so that’s two thirds my life), I feel like a newbee there. The problem is that there seems to be strong physical evidence that I am doing a great job that the not-so-logical part of my brain is completely ignoring. My boss’ boss doubled the memory in my machine and is getting a second monitor for everyone. The office is full of Windows programmers and we are migrating everything to Linux, and they always keep turning to me since I have been using Unix for about ten years. My friends there (and from previous jobs) tell me I am a “superstar programmer” and end up outputting the work of several people. So, there is all this evidence, but I cannot seem to grok it all (Hey! “Grok” is in the standard Linux dictionary!). Top it off with the fact that I overheard a little of my boss getting chewed out this evening. So, it is not me, it is him. Or something.

A short while ago, I got home, put on some music and sat down to relax a bit. The phone rang and the answering machine picked up (I hate answering the home phone–all of my friends have my cell number, so it always ends up being a sales call or someone wanting money). I could not hear the whole thing over the music: “…rent…past due…15th….” This was followed by the sudden onset of a HEART ATTACK! I could have sworn I sent in my rent, in fact I remembered it pretty well because it was one of the few times it was sent a week early. True, I tend to have swiss-cheese selective memory, but I was sure about this! I jumped up from my seat, adrenaline coursing through my veins, frantically trying to locate the check stub. Going through my mind were all kinds of scary thoughts…late fees after the 5th, kicked out after the 15th…I have no money because I just gave 5 grand to the tax man (1K of which was written on what will be a rubber check until Thursday at midnight). “Whew! Okay, there it is.” I went to double-check the message. “This is _whoever_ from Mailboxes, Etc. I’m calling to say that the rent on your box is overdue–it was due on the 15th of last month. Please come in see us.” I felt so relieved I nearly fainted! I got the mailbox a couple of years ago, paid by the year, mostly as a mailing address for a particular cease and desist order involving a domain name that was suspiciously close to a particular ex-employer that laid me off. It was useful because I did not have to be home to sign for packages, but I really had not used it in the past year and completely forgot about it.

Okay, I can relax now…just as soon as my heart calms down and this adrenaline burns off…

Posted in: Dear Diary Work

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