Kim: Did the timer go off?

Me: I didn’t hear it.

Kim: You didn’t hear it?

Timer: *brrrrrring*

Me: The timer went off.

In other news, Ebenezer–the nekkid cat–has reaffirmed some of his quirks. He is the only cat I know that is indifferent toward catnip, yet loves bleach. Kim is mopping the floor and we are having difficulty keeping him away. He likes to roll around on the wet floor.

As Ariock and Addlepated pointed out in my previous blog post, that guy’s math was out of whack to the tune of three decimal places. I’M supposed to be the mathy one! Why didn’t I catch that it should have been $425 and not $425,000?! Good catch, guys! (Not to mention Steve pointing out that an extra quarter-mil in people’s pockets would undoubtedly cause some kind of hyper-inflation.)

It’s nice to dream of possibilities, but it’s also nice to fact-check that those possibilities are, in fact, possible. Oops.

I stole this from feedle, who appropriated it from birch_household…

Hi,

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.

So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.

Divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.

So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife team has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads

Put away money for college - it’ll be there

Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car - create jobs

Invest in the market - capital drives growth

Pay for your parent’s medical insurance - health care improves

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U.S. Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And, of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it…instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 (”vote buy”) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U.S. Citizen 18+!

As for AIG - liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.

Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate.

Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at A IG or in Washington DC .

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh…I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,

Birk

T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it’s either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

So, it’s a bit late now that the bailout didn’t pass, but there is always the chance that they’ll try to push it through again.

A billion is a thousand million, or 1,000,000,000 or 1 x 10⁹.

Go outside tonight and look at the stars. Mathematically, that is $76 million dollars per star–although in reality it at least twice that dollar value because you can’t see the other hemisphere and probably have weather and light pollution affecting what you can see.

Or another way: if every living person on planet earth (including 3rd world countries) contributed $104, we’d be covered. Or if everyone who has ever lived had the foresight to put $7 into time capsule with the inscription “do not open until 2008,” then we’d be covered (not counting inflation and exchange rates, and all that.)

A great quote from Senator Bernie Sanders that I read on Daring Fireball the other day is this:

For years now, they’ve told us that we can’t afford — that the government providing healthcare to all people is just unimaginable; it can’t be done. We don’t have the money to rebuild our infrastructure. We don’t have the money to wipe out poverty. We can’t do it. But all of a sudden, yeah, we do have $700 billion for a bailout of Wall Street.

Three little pill bottles, lined up like soldiers.

• One is used to treat anthrax.
• Two cause nausea.
• One treats nausea.
• Three cause drowsiness.
• Two go with food.
• One goes with lots and lots of water.
• All three cause drowsiness.
• One is not to be combined with exposure to sunlight.
• One is not to be combined with alcohol.
• Three cause dizziness.
• Three cause drowsiness.

Is it me, or is Microsoft’s advertising absolutely schizophrenic? First they started with their two Seinfeld ads. I think I am one of the few that found them to be entertaining. They were fun little short films, but I can see how they didn’t really work as ads–although they did generate a lot of talk, which perhaps means they served their purpose. Now they have been replaced with several “I’m a PC and I’ve been stereotyped” ads. I find zero entertainment, zero fun, and zero rewatchability in those ads. In fact, the way they directly address Apple’s “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC” spots, they seem more like defensive PR spin-control than advertising. I get it. People who use PCs don’t always wear ties and sometimes work in exotic locations, including underwater, space (actually, they tend to use custom hardware in space and NASA is a huge contributor of code to the Linux-based Open Source community), on the farm, and at sewing machine sweatshops. On the flip side, I don’t wear jeans and a hoodie, don’t have “creatives” as “deliverables,” and don’t fit into the stereotype of artists who use Macs. I use my Mac to write code, do advanced math, and edit design specifications. Where’s my ad? My takeaway from these new Microsoft commercials is pretty much zero. No entertainment, no education. Bring back Seinfeld! At least those were awkwardly funny, if nothing else.

In related news, the current run of print advertising they’re doing is bizarro. “Windows, not walls.” I was pretty quick to spot that the thickness of the cutout piece does not equal the thickness of the wall. A coworker (thanks, Rick!) pointed out that the guy is using a sawz-all to cut through walls that have live power running through them. See how it’s plugged in a meter or two from the “window?”

Oh, and look! Cute penguins! Wait, penguins being used to advertise Windows???

Microsoft, it’s time to be consistent and understandable with your advertising.

Everybody knows that songs can trigger emotional reactions. Do you have any songs that trigger a physical reaction? I do. I really like the song “My Blue Heaven.” A cover of that song wasn’t the sole reason for picking up a Smashing Pumpkins boxed set (the one with the little lunchbox handle) back in the day, but was a contributing factor. Between the time I got the discs and the time I was able to start listening to them I came down with a nasty flu: an extremely high fever, aches and pains, and I think I was even a little delirious. To this day, that particular version of the song gives me ghost pains. Even a version of the song by a different artist can sometimes trigger a similar reaction.

Tonight as I was cleaning up around the coffee maker, I bumped it. I guess this caused it to lose power for a second, causing the display to beep and flash “88:88″. For a split second, my action-movie-conditioned brain kicked over to “flight” mode. And then I realized it was just a coffee maker and it’s now flashing “12:00″ not counting down to minimum-safe-distance.

✻ ✼ ✻

People have asked why I cut my hair. There were a lot of reasons, stacking up over a few months, but I never sat down to enumerate them in writing. I was ready for a change. I was tired of getting lumped into a particular stereotype. It was getting in the way. In the fictional world of Lemony Snicket, Violet could tie her hair back with a ribbon and start tinkering with things. In the real world of Brian, I find that I am increasingly working with or on equipment or in positions where the hair just gets in the way, even tied back. It was hot. On the first nasty day of the summer, I was up on Hawthorne and almost strolled into Bishop’s and told them to chop it off. Driving with the top down, even with a ponytail, causes the hair to get tangled and knotted. After washing the hair in the morning and tying it back for work, parts of it were still damp after work. Those are just a few reasons off the top of my head.

Hi! How are you? I have all kinds of news, but foremost are two things.

Item!

This was me on Saturday morning:

This was me on Saturday afternoon:

Any questions?

Item!

A little over a week ago, I was digging in the dirt. Actually, Kim and I were digging trenches and making mounds in the front yard–part of the landscaping and gardening tasks. Since then, something inside of me has been busted, but apparently I am not easily classifiable. (No surprise.) I feel like I’m the subject of one of those old Foldgers Crystals commercials, except someone secretly replaced my stomach with one that has been stapled. My appetite is fine, but the size of my stomach shrunk. This means a regular-sized meal ends with a nauseous over-eating feeling and heartburn and all that. I have to make a conscious effort to eat tiny amounts, and consequently, I am now hungary 24/7.

We went with “stomach virus” for a week as the cause. That has now been upgraded to gastritis (which I show symptoms of, but the blood test came back negative, so who knows.) In another week, it’s X-ray time. Meanwhile, I get to take a drug with a cool Ghostbuster-sounding name (Proton Pump Inhibitor), but the very prominent and ominous warning:

“Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects.”

Yeah, I guess there are probably going to be side-effects.

The Mac Mini hooked up to the TV: upgradinated!
When did memory become so cheap? It came with the factory-stuffed pair of 256MB sticks. Watching MP4 videos with 512MB was passable. Watching those videos while it did anything else in the background (downloading, transcoding, or even with iTunes sitting idle) was ch-ch-ch-choppy. It now has 2GB. Slick.

Fancy-schmancy Esquire magazine: obtainified!
I picked up a copy of the Esquire magazine with the e-Ink cover. Actually, I picked up two because they were much cheaper than I expected. In fact, the $6 cover price is way cheaper than the retail price of the 6 watch batteries contained therein. Even at wholesale prices (we get the same CR2016 batteries by the case at work), it’s a pretty even match. I have no idea how much the e-Ink screens cost, but I’d be willing to bet they’re pretty pricy.

Big Lebowski special-edition-in-a-toy-bowling-ball: shipperiffic!
I do not actually own a copy of The Big Lebowski. *gasp* Yes, I have seen it a half-dozen times, but do not have it. I rectified that last week, but it is still in transit.

Spore: amoebatastic!
I picked up Spore yesterday. I did not get to play it for very long, but it’s looking to be pretty nice. I now have a brain, legs, and lungs. Useful things, yes.

Ice cream: NASA’d!
As an impulse lunchtime dessert, I now have packets of astronaut ice cream. Neapolitan, natch.

I just showered while wearing clothing. It was not delightful and invigorating. It was squitchy and gross. I guess I should explain that I was caked from head to foot in mud from digging trenches and forming mounds in the front yard. The ground is hard and clay-like and the grass is like thick carpet, so the hose was involved in softening the dirt and separating the grass. Of course hose plus dirt equals mud, and that was the cause of the situation I found myself in. Lava soap for the win!

We are in the process of forming a natural and visual (but not actual) fence between the sidewalk and the yard. I dislike fences and few of the neighboring houses have fences (aside from one with a chain-link down the block), so putting one up would be entirely out of place. But if we put up a row of tallish plants that form a psychological barrier between the sidewalk and the yard, we get a similar “you kids, get off my lawn!” effect but much more visually pleasing. Once this step is complete and looking good, we will dig up the rest of the yard for planting veggies.

Also: I have diarrhea. I am guessing this stretches into the Too Much Info realm, but I am having difficulty drawing a solid line between getting the mud off of my body and getting the mud out of my body.